Climbing sucks

by We didn't write this

This update comes from thousands of miles above the ground, in an airplane with several propellers.

This blog is titled “climbing sucks.” This may be confusing to you fatass masses. How can the climbingsucks offices bash on rock climbing so much when its practically all us fuckers ever think about?

Well, the answer is, climbing is pretty fucking lame. And we are not just talking about bouldering here. We are really talking about all styles of rock climbing.

This realization most often comes to me during lunches with my fellow coworkers.

Sorry, I know, I know, I just lost 80% of my readership at the word “coworkers.” This is a word most of you dear readers probably don’t understand since all you fuckers ever do is collect unemployment ’the crew’.

Anyways, for the other 20%, the topic of Rock Climbing often comes up during lunches at work. This isn’t because I push it; it simply appears that climbing is the only “cool” thing being collectively done by every single person in my office.

The conversation typically goes something like this. “Oh, what are your plans for the weekend?”
-“well, you know, I am just going to sit on my ass and watch football. What are you up to?”
-“I am going rock climbing”
-“oh, very cool. So, do you like free climb like that guy on the TV??”

This is where I want to stop the conversation every damn time. Because yes, I do free climb. I free climb all the time, but unfortunately, you don’t know what free climbing actually means. My fellow lunch mates always take climbing to be some badass radical activity.

It’s sad how much this isn’t the case.

Lets face it, on a typical climbing trip, the most dangerous part of the endeavor is staying out of a hissy fit of a boulderer who left his/her sanding block in the car.

I know what you are thinking, just another climbingsucks rag on bouldering. This really isn’t. I am fully willing to aknowledge that all types of climbing are super lame and gay.

Take multipitch trad climbing for example. Tommy Caldwell is up there posting pictures of himself thousands of feet in the air trying to conquer the most badass big wall in the world. What he doesn’t post is that he probably had his crotch in his partners face at least once in every belay stance, trying to scoot around the other side of an anchor or climb off to the next pitch. And lets not even think about how many people have urinated on the very rock you are hoping to conquer.

So keeping all this in mind, here at climbingSucks we constantly try to relate climbing to something badass, something worth doing. I guess the coolest thing I can compare climbing to is fighting.

Many have compared climbing to fighting; trying to conquer a boulder is like fighting a rock. However, since many styles of climbing are so different, we must go into more detail.

On the one side of the spectrum you have multipitch climbing. I think this is like being in a 20 round battle against a boxer. Each pitch is like a round. If you onsight the pitch, that’s like winning the round easily. If you struggle up the pitch, that’s like surviving the round but getting badly getting hurt. If you topout the route, you knock you opponent down. If you bail… well… your ass got knocked out. Better luck next time.

On the other side of the spectrum you have bouldering. This is like trying to take off a 13 year old girls panties while she is trying to spray you with tear gas. You only have a few seconds to get your movement correct, but if you move just right, you come out on top.

Either way, its all pretty lame. Here are some recent photos from Bishop, Yosemite, and California in general.

Peace, love and spray,
Me